Single

Incident Report #002: Quarter Gods Release Event

Incident ID: INC-2026-002 Severity: Critical - Revenue Impact Status: Streaming Now Reported By: Max Burnham, Chief Escalation Officer Date: January 2, 2026

Executive Summary

On January 2, 2026, at approximately 00:01 UTC, a critical incident occurred involving the manifestation of corporate metric deities. What began as routine quarterly planning escalated into a full-scale religious experience centered on KPI worship.

The resulting artifact—our debut single "Quarter Gods"—documents this phenomenon in aggressive audio format.

Listen Now

Root Cause Analysis

After extensive investigation, we've identified the following contributing factors:

The Quarterly Ritual

Every 90 days, organizations engage in a ceremonial practice:

• Metrics are presented on slides (the sacred texts)
• Numbers are analyzed without context (divination)
• Targets are set based on previous targets (circular logic)
• Everyone nods solemnly (collective worship)

The Divine Hierarchy

We discovered a pantheon of corporate deities:

• The Quarter Gods - Beings who demand sacrifice every 90 days
• Prophets of MRR - Those who speak in Monthly Recurring Revenue
• High Priests of Velocity - Keepers of the sprint points
• Cardinals of Conversion - Guardians of the funnel metrics

Ritual Behaviors Observed

1. Metric Chanting: Repeated invocation of numbers without meaning
2. Target Sacrifice: Offering of employee bandwidth to appease the gods
3. Dashboard Worship: Staring at screens as if they contain divine truth
4. Alignment Prayers: Group ceremonies seeking blessing from leadership

Lyrical Themes

"Quarter Gods" explores the absurdity of quarterly planning and metric worship through the lens of religious fervor:

Verse 1 - The Quarterly Ritual: The song opens with Monday chaos as spreadsheets scream and servers shake. A thousand charts become objects of worship, while employees chant their holy mantra: "Q1, Q2, Q3, Q4!" The verse reveals a disturbing truth—no one actually knows what individual months are for anymore. They've all been sacrificed to the quarterly war.

Verse 2 - The Sacred Scrolls: Middle managers march in formation, clutching KPIs like sacred texts. Battle hymns of "Synergize! Optimize!" echo through hallways, though no one truly understands what's happening. They micromanage the minutiae, forecast dreams with broken wings, and watch as months die quietly—because quarters own the company.

Pre-Chorus - Manipulation as Scripture: The pre-chorus captures the twisted logic of corporate metrics:

• Metrics rise, metrics fall—buzzwords fly while the board is calling
• No one reads the actual data, but if the arrow points up, it's gospel
• If charts turn red, just recolor the line—and boom! Everything's fine

Chorus - The Prayer to False Gods: "Oh quarter gods, hear their cries! / They worship graphs and PowerPoint skies. / Meaningless targets, endless chase— / Just shift the slide and save face."

The chorus crystallizes the central irony: months don't matter anymore, they're out of date. Twelve steps in a year are ignored for the tyranny of quarterly gods. All hail Q2, Q3, Q4—forevermore.

Bridge - Breaking Reality: A spoken/growled interlude reveals the desperation: "Uh, yeah… can we move December to Q1? / Can we stretch reality just… a little? / No worries team—just believe in the metric."

The bridge exposes the fundamental dishonesty at the core of quarterly planning—the willingness to warp time, logic, and truth itself to make the numbers work.

Breakdown - The Cycle of Madness: Heavy riffs crush quarterly pride as sanity is slain quarter by quarter. They chase the ghost of growth, denying logic, pursuing quarterly KPIs into oblivion. The breakdown represents the collapse of reason under the weight of meaningless cycles.

Final Chorus - Total Submission: The song crescendos with total surrender to the quarter gods. Souls are taken, bound in financial scrolls. Months become meaningless, reality dissolves—as long as next quarter seals the deal. Four iron seasons roar forever, and months shall matter... NEVERMORE.

Production Notes

Sonic Landscape:

• Heavy, grinding riffs representing the relentless pressure of quarterly cycles
• Mechanical, precise drumming mirroring the rigidity of corporate timelines
• Dissonant harmonies reflecting the cognitive dissonance of metric worship
• Aggressive vocals channeling the frustration of meaningless targets

Technical Execution:

• Recorded in the basement of corporate disappointment
• Mixed with maximum urgency and minimal direction
• Mastered to streaming platform specifications (ironically)

Impact Assessment

Immediate Effects

• Single now available across all major platforms
• Zero impact on actual corporate dysfunction
• Validation of feelings you've been having about quarterly planning
• Soundtrack for your next OKR review meeting

Long-term Implications

• More releases documenting workplace absurdity
• Continued exploration of corporate dysfunction themes
• No solutions provided (as expected)
• Ongoing commitment to aggressive musical catharsis

What's Next

This incident marks the beginning of our documented exploration of workplace dysfunction. Future releases will continue examining the intersection of corporate culture and existential dread.

Upcoming Investigations:

• Burnout Chart (Single - Q1 2026)
• Sustainable Urgency (EP - Q1 2026)
• The Alignment Paradox (TBD)

Recommendations

1. Listen Immediately: Stream "Quarter Gods" while it's still relevant (before your next quarterly review)
2. Share Widely: Send to colleagues who also worship at the altar of arbitrary metrics
3. Reflect Deeply: Consider whether you're running on a hamster wheel
4. Change Nothing: We certainly won't

Action Items

Completed

• ✓ Recorded single documenting corporate metric worship
• ✓ Released across all streaming platforms
• ✓ Maintained complete inability to solve underlying problem

In Progress

• Writing additional songs about workplace dysfunction
• Planning follow-up releases
• Running in circles with renewed vigor

Blocked

• Actual solutions (indefinitely)
• Meaningful change (not prioritized)
• Escape from the wheel (impossible)

Quarter Gods is now streaming everywhere music is consumed during work hours.

Thank you for your sustained contribution to our perpetual motion machine.

The wheel keeps turning. The gods keep demanding. We keep running.